I Don't Want to Hurt You

I literally hate hurting other people.

Yes, we may disagree on many things. Yes, our personalities, values, and interests may clash. Yes, I may wish you would stop doing what you are doing, wish you would go away, wish you would leave me alone.

But I do not want to hurt you.

I go to lengths. Great lengths. To avoid hurting other people. Sometimes unhealthy lengths. I tell white lies. I dodge confrontation. I skirt around the point. All because I do not want to do it. I don't want to risk driving a lance through another heart. I can't stand it. I hate it.

And you know why, because it hurts me. Any kind of conflict, even the most trivial, hurts. It's almost a literal physical pain. It feels like toxins are injected into my system. My blood starts buzzing and burning and I want to scream. I don't know why this happens to me, but maybe I am ultimately selfish for avoiding conflict, because I know full well, it hurts me as much as anyone else when I enter the fray and lash out against someone.

I have convictions and beliefs and values and I know them well, I know myself. But I don't want to impose myself on others. I live in constant consciousness of the very different experiences others may have had with the selfsame things that I love and cherish. Sometimes I am afraid to open my mouth, because I know I always run the risk of releasing pain into someone else's heart. I don't want to do that. I know what pain feels like.

I don't want to hurt you, but there is always a margin of error, isn't there? Nobody's perfect, and circumstances arise by accident, flinging accidental hurts into surrounding minds unintended. But my goal is to never inflict grief on purpose. There is too much agony in the world as it stands.